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Supporting Your Child’s Positive Sexual Development
Parents need to get past any notion of a single “Big Talk” about the birds and the bees. Sexuality education is an ongoing and evolving discussion that changes as your child grows. For more information about why talking with your child about sexuality is important, read Talking to Your Children About Sex.
As a parent, you aren’t off the hook until your child is an adult. And even then they may still have questions about parenting, relationships, childbirth, etc. Click the toggles below for general guidelines to make sex education into an ongoing relationship.
Infants and Toddlers
Guidelines for Positive Sexual Development
- Loving touch, caregiver to child
- Caregivers that describe body boundaries – my body; your body
- Caregivers that react appropriately to touching and exploring bodies
- Starting to identify gender
- Saying “no”
How to Support your 0 to 3-Year-Old
- Begin at birth with loving touch (this is different than genital stimulation).
- Loving touch builds self-worth and trust. It also teaches a child about love and how to express it – fundamental to healthy adult sexuality.
- Teach your child that all body parts are important. Use the appropriate names for genitals and body parts (head, nose, elbows, vulva, penis) and avoid shame about body processes. This teaches your baby that the body is valuable and worthy of care.
- Begin teaching about private and public behaviours. For example, picking your nose or exploring your genitals is best done in the bedroom or bathroom.
- Teach your child to say “no” to unwanted touch of any kind, regardless of who is attempting to touch them.
- Teach your child about the anatomical differences and similarities between the sexes.
- Speak about all genders as equally special.
Behaviours
| Healthy Behaviours | Concerning Behaviours |
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Preschoolers
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- A lot of questions
- Learning to trust caregivers
- Genital touching/masturbation
- Playing “doctor”
- Playing with roles, e.g. girlfriend/boyfriend
- Saying “no”
How to Support your 3 to 5-Year-Old
- Continue nurturing positive feelings about their body.
- Continue to teach your child that they have the right to say “no” to any unwanted touch.
- Encourage your child to come to you with questions.
- Answer sexuality questions with the same simple language you would any other question (at this point, explaining what fallopian tubes are will probably go in one ear and out the other).
- Widen your child’s perception of what boys and girls are capable of doing.
- Know that touching genitals and masturbating is normal, even as you continue teaching the concept of privacy.
- Know that for playmates of similar ages, exploring each other’s genitals in a consensual, playful, curiosity-focused manner is completely age-appropriate, even if you do decide to suggest another game.
- In some cases, imitating or participating in adult sex acts – oral, anal, vaginal sex – may be a sign of sexual abuse or exposure to sexually explicit media.
- Physical trauma to genitals is a cause for concern and may require medical attention.
Behaviours
| Healthy Behaviours | Concerning Behaviours |
|---|---|
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6 to 8 Years Old
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- Recognize social stigma around sexuality
- Seek information about sex and sexuality
- Understand gender role stereotypes
- Beginning signs of puberty
How to Support your 6 to 8-Year-Old
- Continue building the ongoing conversation about sex and sexuality.
- Some kids are asking basic questions that need simple answers. Some kids are asking complex questions that require more complete answers.
- Questions are often built on one another. Children may need time to process and generate a new question.
- Check-in with your child after answering a question – Is this what you were asking about?
- Start talking about the changes that will take place when puberty begins.
- Calmly explain the meaning of any sexual slang your child brings home.
- Explain that there are different types of families and sexual orientations, and all have equal value and deserve respect.
- Continue to teach your child their right to say “no” to any unwanted touch.
- Know that masturbation is normal.
- Note that inappropriate public displays of sexual behaviour may be a sign of sexual abuse or exposure to inappropriate and explicit sexual materials.
9 to 12 Years Old
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- Puberty
- Fantasies about others and sexual intimacy
- Concerned about whether they are normal (e.g., is it normal to masturbate?)
- Begin having “crushes,” romantic feelings, dating, and caring deeply about peer relationships
How to Support your 9 to 12-Year-Old
- Acknowledge and discuss different rates of development.
- Find a way to make pubic hair, breast and penis size, menstruation, ejaculation and wet-dreams acceptable topics of conversation.
- Be open to questions about intercourse, oral sex, and contraception.
- Share your values about sexual behaviours and relationships – your child will need something to work with to make responsible decisions.
- Be interested in your child’s relationships with peers. Social skills develop through experience.
- Help your child practice identifying their feelings and following through on decisions to enjoy a healthy sexual life.
- Help your child understand that while they are maturing physically, there is a lot of emotional and cognitive growth to do.
- Intercourse is not healthy at this time. However, keep in mind that 8% of teens reported having sex before they were 15 years old.
Adolescent Development and Decision Making
| Adolescents are learning how to… |
Adolescents need… |
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13 to 17 Years Old
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- Physically mature, but not yet emotionally mature
- Develop mutual and healthy relationships
- Have the ability to learn about intimate, long-term, loving relationships
- Understand abstract concepts related to sexuality, such as the positive and negative consequences of sexual expression and intercourse
- Know their sexual orientation (which gender they’re attracted to) or are exploring which gender they’re attracted to
- May have questions like,
- Are my breasts (or penis) too small?
- Is it weird that I am a virgin?
- Can I masturbate too much?
- How do you know if you are gay or lesbian?
- Can I get birth control without my parents’ knowing about it?
- Does it hurt to have sex?
How to Support your 13 to 17-Year-Old
Teens continue to need clear and accurate information – facts and family values – on which to base potentially life-changing sexual decisions.
With age-appropriate independence, most teens resist lectures and orders. Instead, find out what they already know and how they feel. Listen and stay calm. Prove that you can be trusted not to judge, even when you disagree.
Find opportunities to discuss:
- All the options, not just intercourse, for experiencing intimacy and expressing love–holding hands and kissing are sexual too.
- How your child will make the decision to have sex.
- How to prevent pregnancy. There are many contraception options.
- How to avoid contacting a sexually transmitted infection (STI).
- What are the options should unprotected sex happen.
- Scenarios of sexual coercion and abuse, ranging from lines like, “You would if you loved me,” to date rape.
- Future life options: to marry or not, to parent, be single or childless.
- The value and equality of different sexual orientations and sexual identities.
Provide opportunities for your teen to make decisions and figure out who they are and what they value.
Adolescent Development and Decision Making
| Adolescents are learning how to… |
Adolescents need… |
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18 Years and Older
Guidelines of Positive Sexual Development
- Capable of intimate sexual and romantic relationships
- Understand their own sexual orientation, although they may still explore
- Able to understand sexuality as connected to commitment and planning for the future
- Can shift my emphasis from self to others
- May experience more intense sexuality
How to Support your Young Adults
- Keep the lines of communication open and accept your child as an adult, not a little kid.
- Offer choices and acknowledge their responsibilities.
- Continue to offer physical and emotional closeness, but respect their need for privacy and independence.
- Appreciate your young adult’s unique qualities.
- Facilitate their access to sexual and reproductive health care.
- Continue offering guidance and sharing values.
Communication Tips
Talking about sex with your child may be uncomfortable and scary but ignoring the subject sends a strong message to your child that this subject is taboo.
To help with the conversations, read our Top Communication Tips.